"Day Two: When we are in the dark, the door closes behind us, we are too far in to turn around and not close enough to the end to see the light."
Brene Brown
Yes, I had COVID. I will tell you all about it in my next post, but first, I want to back up and tell you why I didn't write in June, July, or August. For three months, I was in what Brene Brown calls "Day Two," and at the same time, processing my feelings about the pandemic.
"Day Two" was a pretty dark place for me. If you have read some of my previous posts, you know that I have struggled with anxiety and panic attacks. Up until this point in my life, I had not experienced depression. Sure, I have had times of sadness, loneliness, grief, and loss but what I experienced over the past three months seemed very different. It was hard to shake the negative emotions and a challenge to get motivated. I would wake up in the morning, and my body was glued to the bed. Writing was the last thing on my mind.
Towards the end of July, I cried through an entire session with my therapist, which has never happened. She asked me who I could reach out to for support besides my husband. Ugh, I thought to myself, that's hard for me to do. I didn't want to tell anyone I was feeling down and lonely. However, I took her advice. I felt relieved, just saying it out loud. Their responses were sincere, comforting, and encouraging!
A few days later, I listened to an episode of TED Radio Hour called Processing the Pandemic, featuring Laurel Braitman. Laurel Braitman is an author, speaker, and teacher who has been offering free reflective writing workshops to healthcare workers and their loved ones during the pandemic. Laurel spoke about how the pandemic affects our mental health and the importance of being vulnerable and sharing our stories with others. In the podcast, she says, "Reach out to friends and family, claim your own experience, feeling bad right now is normal." She described depression as the opposite of vitality. Yes! I got that, and it made me realize that what I was experiencing was real.
However, what struck me like a lightning bolt during the podcast is when Laurel stated, "Every time something hard happens to us, it is like ALL the hard things happening to us. I think that's particularly true with loss. When you feel one loss, you're feeling all your losses." Wow! Her comment hit me at my very core. Loss is particularly challenging for me because I encountered it profoundly in my childhood. Finally, it made sense to me why I felt so much sadness and loss over the changes taking place during the pandemic. If this resonates, I encourage you to listen to the podcast: Processing the Pandemic. (In the beginning, it seems like it is only for health care workers, but it is for ALL of us!)
So, here I was right in the midst of "Day Two"! You may be wondering what the phrase implies. One of my all-time favorites, Brene Brown, has a new podcast called Unlocking Us. In her "Day Two" episode, Brene accurately describes how day one of any experience can be nerve-wracking and exciting at the same time! She reminds listeners to think back on the first day of school or work or a new venture and how everything is new and shiny and feels full of hope. Then, as Brene says, day two hits, and the uncertainty sinks in, and we begin to question our ability to stay the course. I had never heard of the expression "Day Two," but now I see the many times it has occurred. For example, when I went back to school to finish my degree, this would happen three weeks into every semester, and I speak about it in Forward, a post from February 2108.
Brene's podcast was on point! During the pandemic's initial months, I felt content being home and enjoying the rare pause in life. Ironically I wrote Stay On Your Own Page in April, where I listed all I was grateful for during the stay at home. Ah, but then came "Day Two." Brene's own words describe it best, "We have no idea how long or how far we are going to need to go." It is what she describes as the messy middle. I am not particularly fond of the messy middle because it triggers my anxiety and feelings of being trapped. However, Brene says that it is in this space where the magic happens, and as hard as it is, I have to say I agree with her. Undoubtedly, if we want to grow and achieve our goals, there has to be an uncomfortable period. I was smack dab in the messy middle when I contracted COVID. Stay tuned for My COVID Experience: Part 2!
I will end with this beautiful quote from Brene Brown, "Experience does not give us passage through the middle space. Experience only grants a little grace that whispers...this is a part of the process, so stay the course!"
Stay the course, my friends!
Reach out to someone if you are feeling down or lonely or sad! Remember to ask your family and friends how they are doing and don't take "fine" for an answer (fine is not a feeling). Share your story because chances are someone is having the same thoughts and emotions as you.