"When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending." Brene Brown
My last post was about our "story" as it relates to others and the importance of staying on your own page, but what about the stories we tell ourselves?? I don't know about you, but the stories I tell myself can be filled with shame, regret, and self-doubt. The stories we tell ourselves can be recent, based on our daily interactions, or lifelong stories that have invaded our minds for years and even decades. The stories can become habitual to the point that we are not even conscious of them anymore. Unfortunately, if we believe the negative stories we tell ourselves, they can become a part of our identity.
Here's the GREAT news...we can change the stories we tell ourselves! Is it easy? NO. Possible, YES! (a big shout it from the rooftop, YES!) Over the past two years, I have changed some pretty significant storylines I had been telling myself for a long time. So how is it achievable? I am going break down the process that worked for me and simplify it.
Inviting God into the Process
Owning and Sharing Your Story
Forgiveness
Kindness
Inviting God into the Process:
For me, inviting God into the process of change is crucial. I believe so strongly in God's healing grace. Inviting God may be a simple as praying for awareness. Ask God to bring to mind whatever story is not serving you well. Whatever the invitation, it does not have to be a grand gesture. God meets us where we are in our lives.
Owning and Sharing Your Story:
Owning and sharing your story is the heart of the process. Once you've identified the story that you have playing on repeat in your mind: write.it.down! Write down every detail of the storyline. It could be an event or a feeling or just negative thoughts. Write out every aspect of the story you keep telling yourself. This exercise will help you own your story.
As a side note, what I have found to be at the root of my negative storylines is shame. Oh....shame, it is a big, somewhat complicated subject that inevitably leads to self-doubt and negative self-talk. Brene Brown, one of my all-time favorite authors and speaker, has delved deep into this subject. It is a topic worthy of its own post, so I am not spending too much time on the matter. However, it is essential to identify the shame in your recurring storylines. Brene Brown defines shame as "The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection."
Next comes the hard part...share your story. Share your story with someone you trust and love. It could be with a spouse, partner, best friend, sibling, etc. Some stories might require sharing with a therapist, and there is NO shame in doing that! In my experience, healing begins at this very place. When we let ourselves be vulnerable and share our most private thoughts, it is truly freeing.
Forgiveness:
As with shame, forgiveness is a big subject to tackle. However, I see forgiveness as the step that pulls the process together. I recently read a book that shared a forgiveness exercise written by Edwene Gaines. I modified the steps, and it goes as follows:
Write down the following statements and fill in the blanks:
I am over feeling shame about______________
I am no longer feeling sorry for myself about________________
I am no longer going to blame _________for________________
Next, complete the statement: I forgive_______totally and completely for_____________________. (the blank space here could be you, another person, or even just a collective group of people)
Finally, write out or say aloud the above statement 10 ten times every day for as many days as it takes to sink in. Forgiveness is hard work, and in no way does it mean forgetting. However, it is worth the effort to be open to forgiveness!
Kindness:
The process of owning and sharing your story, and then forgiveness is hard work. It is important to follow up the process with kindness. It is often quite challenging to be kind to ourselves. Take a moment and think about the last time you gave yourself a compliment or an encouraging word like you would a loved one or dear friend. Try it and see the difference it can make!
As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been practicing meditation since the first of the year with the apps Headspace and Ten Percent Happier. I found meditation to be extremely helpful when changing the storylines I tell myself. Headspace has a meditation called Dealing with Regret, and another, Kindness. Both are beneficial to the process I described above.
Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my post. As always, my hope is that it encouraged you in some way!
Sending you loving kindness and the courage to change your stories!